Dr. Luskin holds a Ph.D. in Counseling and Health Psychology from Stanford University. He is the Co-Director of the Stanford-Northern Ireland HOPE Project, an ongoing series of workshops and research projects that investigate the

 effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on the victims of political violence. He served as the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, the largest research project to date on the training and measurement of a forgiveness intervention. He works as a Senior Fellow at the Stanford Center on Conflict and Negotiation and as a Research Associate at the Stanford Center for Research in Disease Prevention. [2005]

 Four Steps Toward Forgiveness
from Healing Currents Magazine -- Sept/Oct 1996 

The process of forgiveness can be a liberating experience. One that if practiced proactively can lead to a wonderful experience of life. Interestingly, forgiveness can only occur because we have been given the gift of the ability to make choices. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive and no one can force us to do either. Conversely, if we want to forgive someone no one can stop us no matter how poorly they may act. This ability to forgive is a manifestation of the personal control we have over our lives. It is nice to reflect upon and feel the respect that we have been given to be able to make such profound choices.

Compellingly, the option to forgive also implies that we had discretion as to whether or not we took offense in the first place. While forgiving may be a difficult enough choice for many of us, imagine how our lives would be if we rarely or never used our power of choice to take offense. Since we have choice, wouldn't it make sense to limit the amount of times we are hurt or offended so that the need to forgive rarely if ever arises? The ability to live life without taking offense, without giving blame, and by offering forgiveness are choices that offer a life of great peace.

The ability to offer proactive forgiveness proceeds along four steps. At step one you are filled with self justified anger. At some point in your life you have been hurt and you are mad at the person you feel wronged you. You blame the person committing the wrong for how you are feeling. It is their action and not your choice of response that you feel is at the cause of your anger. You have forgotten that you have a choice as to how you will react, or are so angry that you are convinced that it would not be right to forgive the offense. At this stage there is usually both active and submerged anger.

The second step towards forgiveness emerges when after feeling angry with someone for a while you realize that the anger does not feel good to you. It may be hurting your emotional balance or your physical health. Or you wish to repair the damage to the relationship. So you take steps to forgive. You may begin to see the problem from the other person'ts point of view or you may simply decide to let the problem go. In either case after an extended period of time you are no longer angry and you have forgiven the person with whom you were angry. This process can be applied to anger at oneself, another person or to life in general.

The third stage of forgiveness comes after you have seen the beneficial results of forgiveness and you choose to let go of your anger fairly quickly. In this stage the choice is to feel the hurt for a short period of time, and then work to either repair the relationship or let go of seeing the situation as a problem. In either case you decide to forgive because you have had some practice with it and see the benefit in your life. This could emerge in as simple a situation as being cut off by another car on the expressway or in a complex situation like an affair in a marriage. At this stage you are aware that the length of time you experience the situation as a grievance is primarily up to you.

The fourth stage of forgiveness involves the proactive choice to rarely if ever get angry. This means often to forgive in advance of a specific trigger. This stage often emerges at the same time as some or all of the following thoughts:

I don't want to waste my precious life in the discomfort caused by anger so I will choose to feel differently. I am able to forgive myself, forgive others, forgive life, and forgive God.

I know how it hurts when people don't forgive me. I do not want to hurt other people by my anger so I will let it go.

Life is filled with incredible beauty and I am missing some if I am experiencing unresolved anger. I forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

People do the best they can and if they err I can best help them by offering understanding. The first step in this process is to forgive the specific offense.

Everyone, including myself operates primarily out of self-interest. I must expect that some times I, in my self-interest, will be annoyed by some one else's expression of their self-interest. If I can understand that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? If I understand that self interest is the way that I behave, how can I but offer forgiveness to everyone, including myself for behaving that way?

These four stages of forgiveness will not be followed in the same way by all people and in all relationships. There are some people for whom we feel such love that we are almost always at stage four: open hearted and ready to forgive. There are other people for whom we feel so egregiously hurt and our well of good will for them is so dry that we can spend years at stage one. What is critical to remember is the power of personal choice and the importance of exercising that choice to forgive so that we can bring peace and healing into our relationships and ourselves.

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

from "Forgive for Good" (Harper Collins, 2002)
by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

1.   Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.

2.   Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.  

3.   Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."  

4.   Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes  or ten years ago.  

5.   At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6.   Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.  

7.   Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8.   Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  

9.   Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Please note:  Dr. Luskin expands on these suggestions in his new book, Forgive for Good, which you can order through the Cooperative Communication Reading List and Bookstore.  For more information about Dr. Luskin's work please visit www.learningtoforgive.com.

Tips for Forgiveness as a way to manage anger

Deciding if you should forgive or not may be easier after reviewing exactly what forgives is – and what it is not.

· Forgiving does not mean that you forget the offense
You may never forget (and probably shouldn’t) what happened to you, but after forgiveness you can remember it without the emotional pain connected to it.

· Forgiving does not mean that you are saying what they did was O.K.
Quite the opposite. We can forgive but still see what happened to you as horrific or unjust.

· You don’t need to even tell people that you forgive them; the forgiveness occurs in your heart – not in conversation with them, although in some circumstances you may want to have a dialogue about it
It often backfires if you go up to someone (especially a relative) and say “I forgive you.” This occurs because the offending person often doesn’t see himself or herself as the problem. Better to do the forgiveness in your own mind and heart. One exception to this is if you are the victim of a violent crime. Some studies show that it helps your healing if you forgive your assailant face to face.

· Forgiving doesn’t mean you will automatically trust them again
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust, if ever.
To instantly trust someone again after they have violated you in some way is not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.

· Forgiving doesn’t necessary mean you like or love the offender, or even want to be in future relationship with them
Absence of angry feelings doesn’t necessarily create warm, positive, or loving feelings in you for the offender-at best forgiving may bring you up to neutral in your feelings toward them. It I possible to say to yourself, for instance, “OK. I forgive her but I don’t want to have anything further to do with her-ever.”

· You don’t need to forgive all at once.
This is a concept that especially applies to forgiving an unfaithful partner. Dr. Abrams-Spring suggests that to start maybe you can only forgive 10%—just open the door—and then see how your unfaithful partner behaves. After a period of time, you might want to open the door a little wider and forgive maybe another 20%, and so on.

Note: an additional source to research for forgiveness is www.learntoforgive.com  Check that out.

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